Understanding that she is aiming to publish a story that is only one page long, next time I would encourage Tina to find a few places in the middle of her paper to revise and trim down. I love the beginning and end of her story and would encourage her not to remove any of her introduction, conclusion, or heart.
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Tina....You made me feel so sad for you. I am sad that you didn't get the present you wanted so badly, but I am happy that you know how to catch a reader's attention with your "heart". As the reader I could feel your dissapointment with the Barbie gift...Great Job!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter's birthday is next weekend....YIKES...I hope I get her what she really wants for her birthday!
I love your heart of the story.
ReplyDeletethank you,
Deleteyour ending was awesome
ReplyDeleteI love how you did not use not a seangle dead word.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you said your present was a lame Barbie and how you used correct punctuation
ReplyDeleteI wish you would've got a Nintendo3Ds but awesome story
ReplyDeletegreat intro and conclusion
ReplyDeleteThe way you stayed on topic was amazing!!! Some people like to drift off and talk about a little details. I felt bad that you didn't get what you want, but it's nice to know that your family cares about you.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you didn't get what you wanted.
ReplyDeleteYour word choice was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love the way you said that your gigantic cake could not fit inside the fridge.
ReplyDeleteI love your show NOT tell
ReplyDeleteI LOVED when you stated I stacked the presents like a huge cake.
ReplyDeleteYour story HOOKED ME UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt got me hooked too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DeleteI love your handwriting and the way you described how huge your cake was!!!!!!!!!!I liked how you used show not tell because you did a awesome job with it!!!!!!!Your story was fun to read. keep on writing Tina!!!
ReplyDeleteI loved your punctuation!!!!!.Tina great story keep it up!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI like the part when said what in a furrious voice
ReplyDeleteThanks,!
DeleteI love the part when you said you felt like you were getting older
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THE WAY YOU USED PUNCUATION IN YOUR BEUTIFUL STORY AND USING SUPPORTING DETAILS
ReplyDeleteI know that all the time you see my handwriting you keep saying that it is better than your handwriting,but that is not true,your's is.I like the way you started your introduction with a question and did not answer it,so instead you told the story.You hooked me!
ReplyDeleteThank you,I got hooked to my own story.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deletegreat story but sorry bout ur 3ds >3<
ReplyDeleteI like how you wrote your title
ReplyDeleteI loved how you said at the end what you appreciate what you mom gave you for your birthday
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was there with you. I was hooked and wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED HOW YOU USED GRAMMER AND PUNCTUATION
ReplyDeleteI like how you said that your cake didn't fit in the frige.that must be a huge cake!!!.
ReplyDeleteYour story was funny and i like how you said you wanted to get a Nintendo3DS.I want one too.
ReplyDeleteTina I like the part when you said WHAT when your mom got you a barbie doll.
ReplyDeletei like how you reaveld your hart and your hart and you used no dead words
ReplyDeleteI loved your story.I liked the part when you said you did not wont a lame barbie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAWESOME HEART I LIKED HOW YOU SAID I GUESS I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED I AM GETTING OLDER
ReplyDelete